I Have Felt the Same
by T.H.W
Summary: *hides* Okay, okay, I lied. Here's another. This one's about Izzy, from his point of view about being different than the rest of the gang. Being a genius doesn't help.


"I Have Felt the Same"  
  
  
  
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Catch your breath,  
Hit the wall. Scream out loud,  
As you start to crawl,  
Back in your cage,  
The only place,  
Where they will leave you alone.  
  
'Cause the weak will seek the weaker,  
Until they've broken them.  
Could you get it back again?  
Would it be the same?  
Fulfillment to their lack of strength at your expense.  
Left you with no defense.  
They tore it down.   
  
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He rolled his eyes as the next attack came on from the doorway. He closed his brown eyes tight and squeezed them as if trying to will his perpetrators to disappear. The hoots and yells were coming faster and more brutal as he ignored them. His temper rose higher and higher as he pushed his fingers in his ears to block out the taunts.  
  
"Hey Izumi! You gonna stay on that computer all day? Don't you have a girlfriend to get home to?"   
  
"Naw! Don't you know? Izumi's girlfriend IS his computer!"   
  
"You don't say? Well in that case Izumi, if you two break up, you wanna recommend me? I'm sure she's REAL interesting!"  
  
The laughing again. The scoffing. The aching taunts. He was used to the taunts now. It had bothered him, but he shut them out. But now he had begun to let it unknowingly filter into his brain. He had begun to believe what they said about him. In some small part of his brain he began to believe those things about himself. He hadn't mentioned the taunting to his parents. He believed that he was equiped adequently mentally to withstand any attempt on his self-conscience. But what he didn't realize is that he had tried so hard to push them out that at one point, his exhausted brain had given in slightly. That slight traitorous act had changed matters.  
  
"Will you overgrown adolescents please silence your vocal chords and voice stimulation?" He finally yelled, taking his reddening face away from the soft light of the computer screen. They didn't stop. They laughed.   
  
"Aw! That's great Izumi! Overgrown adolescents! He's so big using his big words!"   
  
"Hey Izumi, doncha know English? You coulda just said, shut up! That would do just as well!"  
  
He covered his ears. It didn't work. Even his physical body could not keep out the yells. He jumped up from the computer table and walked fiercely to the door. They immediately stopped, but the grins on their faces didn't fade. Even now they taunted him. Silently they yelled at him to not be a wuss and to submit to their challenge of a fight. He stood in front of them, staring at them. At this point the burning eyes seemed to get to them. They looked just slightly uncomfortable standing there. But their shock dissipated to howling laughter as the door slammed in their faces. "You're a coward Izumi!" The yells came over and over again. He walked slowly back over to the computer, stared at the screen, not seeing his computations. Then he laid his arms across the keyboard, resting his head on them, the weight of him pressing the 'a' key over and over, making a string of them run across the screen, looking almost like a silent scream.  
  
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You lost yourself in your search,  
To find something else to hide behind.  
The fearful always preyed upon your confidence.  
Did they see the consequence?  
They pushed you around.  
  
The arrogant build kingdoms,  
Made of different ones.  
Breaking them 'til  
They've become just another crown.  
  
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He finally shouldered his bag and walked out the door of the computer room. He walked slowly down the hall, becoming one with the steady stream of teenagers exiting the building. But though he was one in body, in mind he was the only real face in a faceless crowd. His friend's wild brown hair came into his vision and he sped up to catch up to him. When he approached him, his friend smiled. "Hey Izzy! How you doing?" He asked, his brown eyes smiling. He smiled back, thankful for at least one smile that wasn't taunting. "Okay Tai. You know I think I've figured out the new chemistry theorem that Mr. Suyaki was talking about today. You know the one that he wanted us to find out before Friday." He said excitedly. He bit his lip as Tai's eyes dulled slightly. "Oh. Cool Izzy." He said, turning away, his smile fading slightly. "Oh Tai! Can I walk home with you?" Tai and Izzy both turned simultaneously to face a rosy cheeked girl they both knew as Raquel, one of the most popular girls in school. Tai winked at Izzy before replying to her request. "Why I would be honored." He said, giving her a special wink that set her giggling.  
  
"Hey! Aren't you the former president of that one computer club thingie?" She asked, turning her sparkling green eyes onto Izzy. This sent tingles all through his body. The most popular girl in school, knew who he was. No matter that she didn't know his name, she at least knew he existed. That was more than some others could say. "Why yes I am. Actually," He started. Instantly she yawned and hugged Tai's arm. "Well that's neat. C'mon Tai! I wanna go home. Take me home in style." She said as she veered him away from Izzy. "Sure sweetie. How's a taxi sound?" He asked coyly. "How 'bout a limousine?" She whined. "How 'bout a million bucks then?" Tai responded quickly. Izzy stood still, alone once more. Even in this stream of people he was still alone.   
  
Why was it that even his friends ignored him? What did he have to do? He was himself and still could not survive among them. He often felt that he wasn't himself anymore. Just a puppet in their cruel play. He was nothing. He didn't feel that he could ever amount to anything of importance, even though he held knowledge far beyond his years. Knowledge didn't matter. If you weren't cool, you weren't anything. What did he have to do to get their confidence? Did he have to dye his hair, wear cool clothes, or go so far as to wield a gun in his own school to get their attention? Why was it that one had to perform so many illogical feats just to be accepted? He was losing himself. He was so alone. Had he only known that he wasn't alone. There was help just around the corner, watching his lone figure stand alone in a sea of humanity.  
  
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Refuse to feel anything at all,  
Refuse to slip,  
Refuse to fall.  
Can't be weak.  
Can't stand still.  
  
You watch your back.  
'Cause no one will.  
You don't know why they had to go this far.  
Traded your worth for these scars,  
For your only company.  
Don't believe the lies that they told to you.  
Not one word was true.  
  
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He said hello to his parents and slammed the door. He spread his school work on his desk in piles according to subject, then sat down at the computer, waiting for it to load. When it finally did, he clicked the internet icon and waited for it to connect. What waited for him in his inbox was a letter with an unknown address. As he read it, his head drooped and his hands came up against his face in a familiar action.   
  
Hey Izumi! Got your e-mail addy!! Do you think you could teach me how to dissect micro-chips? Or is that even possible? Not sure. Anyway, just wanted to see if the mail on Genius Street still works! Later sucker!  
  
He deleted the e-mail as quickly as he had read it. Another letter like it waited in his inbox, he deleted that too. And yet another, only this one was from Raquel. He felt the anger and humiliation burning inside him as he deleted one after another. How did they get his e-mail? How could they have done this to him? Wasn't it enough that they tortured him at school that they felt they had to do it to him online as well? Suddenly an inspiration struck him. He took the phone grimly and dialed the number. "Hello, Kamiya residence." He frowned. "Hello Tai? I need to ask you something." The voice on the other line was surprised. "Oh hey Izzy? Sure what?" Izzy clenched his fist in and out. "Did you give Raquel my e-mail?" He could tell that Tai was surprised from his voice. "Yeah. She wanted to ask you something about school." He said. "Yeah something. She gave it to like everyone Tai!" He said angrily.  
  
"So?" The one word was enough to set him off like a bomb. "SO? I get all these hate mails from these abominable people and you say SO?" He yelled. "Well yeah. I mean, I didn't know she was gonna do that Iz. I'm sorry." He said. Though he sounded sincere, it wasn't enough, it only fueled his fire now burning brightly. "You're sorry?! Oh sure you're sorry! What do you care? Huh? What do you care? Well just do me a favor Tai Kamiya! Don't do me anymore favors! Next time with your help I may find myself the victim of a vicious attack of the mafia!" He yelled into the receiver as he slammed it down. He sat down at the computer, panting. Though an inkling of his conscience lurked inside a corner of his brain, he had felt good. It had done him good to yell. And he didn't care if Tai was hurt. Let him be hurt. Now he could see how HE felt.  
  
He sighed, building himself up mentally. The only thing he could do now was to rejuvinate himself. He wouldn't let them get to him. The only way he could survive was to outsmart them mentally. If he didn't allow his brain to comprehend the words they were saying about him then he would be protected. He wasn't about to fall on his face in their presence. He would show them. He just wouldn't feel anything. That was the only thing he could do. Not allow himself to feel emotion. Emotion was weakness. If they saw him reacting, they would continue their rampage. But if he didn't react, he would be safe. They might even leave him alone.   
  
He did this. It worked. He often likened himself to a walking zombie, but it didn't matter. He didn't retort whenever they taunted him, didn't react when they took his books. Later that day when he discovered half his lunch missing, he smiled grimly and got a bag of chips from a vending machine. The boys who had been watching for his reaction, sat back in surprise. He smiled and chuckled to himself as he watched them out of the corner of his eye. They were frowning and talking concernedly among themselves. He wiped the smile off of his face and sat down in his seat beside his other friends, or rather, those who were friends in name only.   
  
They don't care about me. They only care about themselves. If they really were my friends, they would be helping me protect myself. But no matter. I can do this alone. I can protect myself.  
  
He thought this grimly as he sipped some pop and listened to bits of the conversation. He sat alone on the other side of the table. On the other side sat Sora and Matt. Sora was talking excitedly to one of her friends on her other side about a new clothing store. Matt was simply eating, not reacting to anything. Izzy watched him a moment, then looked away. "Can I sit here?" He didn't look up. He knew it was Tai. This would be the time to test out his non-feeling policy further. Before he answered he noticed Matt's crystalline blue eyes fixed on him. He looked away, back down at his chips and shrugged. Tai gulped and sat down. "Um, Izzy. About the e-mail thing," He started, but stopped as he held up his hand.   
  
"I don't want to talk about it. Forgotten." He said cryptically. Tai grinned and inwardly Izzy scoffed. "Really? Great! I'm glad about that. What made you forgive me?" Tai asked, shoving a potato chip in his mouth. He scoffed again and focused his attention on his food. "I did not say that I forgave you." Tai's forehead furrowed. "But, yeah, you," Tai stuttered. "I said that it was forgotten. I didn't say that I forgave you. Why would I do that?" He said cruely. "But you're my friend and, well I thought you understood." Tai stuttered. At that he turned to Tai, a sarcastic look on his face. "So?" Tai sat back as his own words were spat out at him. Izzy stood up and walked away, but not before noticing Matt's eyes once more fixed on him intensely. He shrugged and walked away.  
  
He doesn't care. He's just like all the others.  
  
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I have felt the same as you.  
I have felt the same as you.  
I have felt the same.  
You're alright.  
You're alright.  
You're alright  
  
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He did this all week. This hiding behind himself. Letting every insult bounce off his shell, refusing to show any emotion. The smile that had formerly brought a smile to everyone else had vanished. Smiles were underrated as well as all other forms of emotion. And plus they helped his problem of being an outcast, he thought. But even now he didn't realize that he had only dug himself deeper into his pit. Sure the kids left him alone, but now even those who had called themselves his friends had abandoned him. He wasn't the same anymore. He had ceased sitting with them for fear that his emotions should surface. He wasn't lonely, he was just alone. He could make it alone. He always had.  
  
He bumped into a figure as he turned a corner in the hall, his head looking down at the floor. His head jolted upwards as he rubbed the sore spot. He took in his breath slightly as he saw the figure. It was Matt. His eyes lit up for a moment, but then slanted and inwardly he cursed himself for letting his emotions get the better of him.  
  
He probably only wants to ask if he can copy your homework. Get real! Keep walking!  
  
The walls around himself screamed this over and over and he submitted. He would have continued walking had Matt's strong hand not grabbed his shoulder. He finally scowled and looked up at him. Matt looked down at him and he could see something in his eyes. But what was it?  
  
Emotion. He feels what you feel. His captive mind whispered.   
  
It's emotion alright! PITY! He feels sorry for you! Forget him! The walls shrieked.  
  
He made a move to struggle out of his bondage, but that only made Matt's hand squeeze tighter. He finally stopped and looked up at him. "Well? Now that you've succesfully detained me through force you may as well express your adverse opinions." He said haughtily. Matt's eyes softened. "Izzy, look I need to talk to you." He said quietly. "Yes, obviously. Your very act has proven that. Continue if you must." He said. Matt sighed and loosened his grip on Izzy's shoulder and leaned back against the wall. "Listen, I've, well everybody's been noticing something different about you lately." He started. Izzy sat up straight and smiled slightly. "Oh really? They've noticed how strong I've become? I could tell you how to do it!" He said, a shred of his old self returning.  
  
"No thanks Izzy. I already know how to do it. But you've become, well, to put it bluntly, a loner." Matt said, waving his hand. Izzy frowned. "What are you speaking of? I've been protecting myself." He protested. "Protecting yourself from what? Your friends? If that's so, you're doing a really good job of it." Matt said, taking himself away from the wall. "You can't understand! You couldn't understand what it's like to be alone! Look at you! Mister Cool Guy! You and your band and your rock star looks! You can't understand!" He yelled angrily. Matt smiled and shook his head. "That's where you're wrong Iz. I DO know how you feel. I've been there." He said quietly.  
  
That took him aback. He didn't speak or interrupt as Matt continued. "Once I was alone. All alone. I wasn't a genius like you are. I was just alone because I wanted to be. In that I was like you." Izzy stared at him. "But you were never taunted or teased or anything. Why did you do that?" He asked quietly. Matt smiled. "Because I was put through hell, to borrow the phrase. I didn't care about anything or anybody. I was going to be alone because in my mind nobody felt the same way I did. Nobody here knew what it was like to have your parents scream and fight with each other, not caring if you could hear. They didn't know what it was like to be caught in the middle of it all, feeling responsible. They didn't know what it was like to be ripped away from your baby brother just so you could move to some dumpy town with your Dad. They couldn't even fathom." Matt shook away the dreamy look he had gained as he looked into his past.  
  
"I wasn't in the same situation Izzy, but I've felt the same way as you have. I mean, it only takes one person to change a life. Believe me I know." Izzy stared at him in amazement. "I never knew. I mean, I knew you were a loner and all of a sudden you became open, but I didn't know it was like that." He murmured. "It was like that Iz. Hiding your emotions isn't the way to put off the jerks. The only way to survive is to band together with the people who matter." Matt said, leaning against the wall. Izzy's forehead furrowed. "Like who? I'm all alone." He murmured. "Like your friends." Matt said. "I don't think I have any anymore." Izzy said, hanging his head. "Ya know thats the great thing about friends. They always understand." Matt said with a smile. "How do you know that they will understand the way my feelings are reacting?" He asked, looking up.  
"Well for one thing, I'm an example. I'm listening. I'm here. And you don't see me laughing do you?" Matt asked soberly. Izzy hesitated. A battle was going on between his captive mind and the walls that surrounded it. But finally, the walls collapsed.  
  
"Okay. I guess we can talk to the others now can't we?" He asked. Matt grinned and put his arm around his shoulders. "Yeah sure Iz. Let's go." He said, his voice betraying his emotions. "Hey Matt. A minute ago you said that you it took one person to change a life. Was that person someone in particular?" Izzy asked. Matt smiled reminicently and continued to walk. "Yeah. It was Tai." Izzy looked up at him in surprise. "Oh hey Matt! Izzy." Izzy looked up as Tai began to pass them. Izzy wriggled out of Matt's grasp and turned around. "Tai!" Izzy called. Tai turned around so quickly that he almost fell over. The look of utter helplessness was unmistakable in his usual happy-go-lucky face.   
  
As Izzy approached him, he took a step backwards. "Tai, I would like to apologize. For my behavior and for my unecessary immediate judgment of your character." He said solemnly. Tai smiled and took a deep breath. "Well geez Izzy! Thanks! I mean, I thought you, well," He stuttered. "I know. I was what you might call a jerk. I have been for a few weeks now as you very well may have noticed. So do I have your forgivness for my utterly unfriendly attitude?" Izzy asked, sticking out his hand. Tai grinned and shook it fiercely. "Sure thing buddy!" Izzy put an arm around his friend and the two joined up with Matt.   
  
As the three reunited friends walked down the hall, Izzy turned to Tai. "Oh Tai, after the third period bell rings, I have to tell you of my mental problems." He said solemnly. Tai and Matt began to laugh hysterically. "What? What did I say?" Izzy yelled over their laughter. "You're crazy Izzy? That's why you've been acting this way?" Tai howled. "No! I know exactly what you are implying Tai Kamiya and it's not funny! I meant that I will tell you why I've been acting so stupid! Oh cease and desist you two!" He yelled as the two continued to laugh. But he didn't care. He knew that someone out there felt the same.  
  
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I have felt the same as you.  
I have felt the same as you.  
I have felt the same.  
You're alright.  
You're alright.  
You're alright.  
  
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End file.
